5 funniest webmaster meltdowns over lost Google traffic

Webmasters, bloggers and anyone else trying to make a living off the Internet, and in particular, Web traffic generated Google search, will understand how enraging it can be.

From time to time, Google release algorithmic updates, data refreshes, or completely new search engine algorithms to combat various blackhat SEO and webspam techniques.

On occasion, hard working, genuine bloggers and entrepreneurs get caught in the cross-fire, and having the source of your livelihood pulled from under you, like the proverbial rug, can lead to some explosive tirades in the forums.

Of course, Google does manage to hit the right people too, and webmaster forums aren't short of spammers who also feel compelled to express their feelings in a frank and open manner.

And while we certainly hope that any and all webmasters of genuinely useful and high quality websites recover their page rankings in Google, we honor them for their creative contributions to the culture of Google, SEO and the Internet in this article.

Our top five webmaster rants come from various sources on the Web, but predominantly from webmaster forums (like Google Webmaster Forums) or comments on Google algo update articles on some of the leading SEO sites.

We'll start off pretty mild, but you'll quickly notice the level of rage kicking up a notch or two as we progress down the list.

Please note: It is not SME Pals' policy to allow foul language on the site.

You are going to have to use your imagination when it comes to the many, many words that are blanked out in our top 5 list of the biggest webmaster meltdowns.

1. Thanks for nothing

"I can't tell you how much of a pain in my *ss it is to contact anyone at Google. Just trying to join a Google group is a nightmare.

Do you think you could make it any LESS user friendly?

Thanks for nothing."

David: Ok, so we started off gently. Hold on to your hats...

Comment taken from Disgruntled user short rant.

2. To Matt F***s

David: Matt Cutts is the Google engineer in charge of the webspam team and is often the target of webmaster rants.

"To Matt F***s,

I search the listings in google for keywords all the time especially in my industry, I have worked out what all these updates are for.

The updates have been created to remove all the small companies from the first page of google and replace them with the corporate giants, no matter what keyword i put in it's always the same results (corporate giants).

Small companies need to stay away from google because it is that hard to rank now (unless you have a phd in blog writing or you know people in the top magazines companies).

How is a average person with a business who has a website and knows nothing about blog writing supposed to get his website ranking?"

Comment taken from Matt Cutts: Google Panda Updated Monthly But Slowly Rolled Out.

3. The biggest piece of cr*p joke ever

"This is the biggest piece of cr*p joke ever, I'm done with everything Google related. They have really pissed us off now. Bye Bye adsense, adwords, chrome, analytics, google + and everything else google related.

Tell your friends and family to stop using google, if it's not the monopoly, spying on people, evil cr*p they're doing at least the cr*ppy results should get people changing search engines. I have had enough of this roller coaster nonsense."

Comment taken from The Penguin Update: Google’s Webspam Algorithm Gets Official Name.

4. I have so many f***ing friends in the real world

"HOW IN THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF GOOGLE+ AND HOW IN THE HELL DID I GET INTO IT?

PLEASE ANSWER FIRST QUESTION FIRST. I HAVE SO MANY F***ING FRIENDS IN THE REAL WORLD I DONT NEED ANYMORE. I HATE FACEBOOK AND TWITTER AND HAVE TRIED BOTH AND HATED THEM.

I WANT OUT OF GOOGLE+ NOW AND THEN AFTER I AM OUT I WANT TO KNOW HOW IN THE HELL I GOT INTO IT BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DID NOT DO IT KNOWINGLY WHICH IS VERY TELLING ABOUT HOW DESPERATE AND DISHONEST THE F***ING GOOGLE NERDS ARE."

David: This one actually goes on for a bit, but there were only a few letters in the final paragraph that I didn't have to delete anyway.

Comment taken from HOW DO I GET OUT OF GOOGLE+ WHICH THEY DECEPTIVELY PUT ME INTO.

5. I'm using Bing from now on

"Google doesn't give a s*** about peoples requests. If you were an advertiser, government institution, or the likes, that s*** would be already removed in the same hour of the request.

BTW,

F*** YOU GOOGLE!!!! I'M SICK OF YOUR F***ING STUPID "I DON'T GIVE A S*** ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM" ATTITUDE!!!!

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES OR KEYWORDS I USE THE PAGE STILL APPEARS IN GOOGLE WEB SEARCH RESULTS. IT JUST IGNORES MY REQUESTS ALTHOUGH STATUS IS SET TO "REMOVED" -- FROM THE REQUEST QUEUE OFF COURSE!!!!

F*** YOU GOOGLE! I'M USING BING FROM NOW ON! THEY HONOR ALL REQUESTS! YOU SHOULD STOP USING GOOGLE TOO. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. THEY DON'T GIVE A F***!!!

IT'S TIME FOR GOOGLE TO CHANGE THE WAY THEY WORK! F***ING STRICT TECHNICAL RULES DON'T SERVE THE CUSTOMERS.

WE WANT THE F***ING PAGE REMOVED AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HTTP CODE THE WEBSITES RETURN.

F*** YOU GOOGLE! JUST DO IT!!!!!"

David: That last line almost seems like something out of a Nike ad. :)

Comment taken from Twitter shows up in search of full name despite no live or cached references to last name.

So clearly passions run high when it comes to Google, SEO, and the Internet. Let's hope that everyone involved got their Google and SEO related issues resolved peacefully.

Have you ever felt like having a rant at Google for something they did to make life difficult? Share your experiences in the comments - but try not to resort to the same type of language as our top five. :)

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SEO Guide. Pic by Dinukshan Kuruppu

Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is important because it can mean the difference between capturing high page rankings in Google, for relevant keywords, and remaining undiscovered and anonymous.

Web traffic is the lifeblood of any blog or business that relies on the Internet to generate leads and make sales. Organic traffic from search engines is generally the largest (and most valuable), single source of traffic making it a vital component of any successful online venture.

Does Google suck, or do you? Pic by Dean Hochman

Would you love to get completely irrelevant traffic from Google's organic search results? How about absolutely no traffic at all? Or zombie traffic that doesn't do anything?

Get rid of that pesky, high converting traffic that floods in via relevant keywords and drives revenue, builds authority and trust, and generally makes life easier. I can even show you how to have ad placeholder pages outrank your own site for a search on your own domain.